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estheriac skyrose
Some say she's beautiful. But no one really acts like it, not consistently enough, so she loses touch again. Decides it's something people say to be nice. Or at most, they're talking about another kind of beauty, a kind that doesn't seem to count for much in her everyday reality. Although sometimes, after the many hours of manipulation, she sees flashes of prettiness in the edges of the mirror. But not when she doubles back and stares full in her face, and once again, the broken, the plain. The eyes twinkle, sad. Sorry. Just me. Almost got you there.

Yes, I'm trying to get a rise out of you. React, validate what I'm saying or I'll have to believe I'm hearing echoes. I'm trying to find you- your reality in my words. Your words, too, now. Haven't we always believed somehow, that what fueled our art is fungible?

Even in this we are not unique, but one doesn't have to be uniform with all the rest to feel connected, either.

I've learnt to be quite cryptic, too; something we do when we want to feel unique in our jealously-guarded misery. I want to get below the layers, though, like many others do. Participate in the Great Conversation.

I was lost and found . . . and now lost again, a story for another time!

I thought this would be a good investment. I didn't fight my way out of high school to find myself back in the same system, different form.

Ma'am B, she says, Charge it to experience.

I said I'd come back here, but it's only on the periphery of desperation that this seems more than a good idea again. It seems necessary. Necessity, the mother of all invention! The mother of all lies!

...And yet it's still hard to sustain this. Hard to keep pretending you have something to say. Oh, but I do, don't I. I have something to say. And an old borrowed voice to say it with. Dusty, rusty, not unfamiliar. Only, one would wish life were linear and neat enough to fit into categories; they'd make easy hash-tags. But life isn't like this; you already know.

Surround yourself with your heroes, listen to their words, watch their deeds, and see what comes out of your own mouth, what's created from your own two hands.

It's been a while since anyone's said this will be worth it. It's a promise you must make yourself, because you're the only one meant to keep it. My dorm mate, she talks and sings to her God and King, and her life isn't perfect but at least she doesn't seem to be abandoned. At least her struggles are not hers alone to bear.

Guess I'll just carry thoughts like these around on an index card, see if it makes sense even behind classroom walls, or whether reality warps in there as well.


Current Location: Room 5
estheriac skyrose
10 February 2015 @ 03:44 pm

I'm returning to this e-journal for the first time in, what, three years? Three years, what! The reason is simple. I've been contemplating on and off, for months if not years, about starting and keeping a blog. But it looks like I've already done that first step here. And it's not even the first time.

So. The keeping a blog idea has been burning somewhere at the back of my mind for a long while now, for oh-so-many reasons, and I still don't know how to start. Reading about why you should start, and how you should start, sounds like stepping into a vortex. I'd rather just fill in the gaps as I find them.


This was the last thing I remember keeping that's closest to a blog, and closest to consistent. Continuity is good. I think I'd prefer to re-start here. Muck around, find my footing, find a voice, and then maybe set up somewhere else if it comes to that. Despite everything and how it's supposed to be expected, I don't want to start a "new beginning" from scratch.

My sister's started keeping a personal weblog again, too, but that's only part of the reason I'm deciding to push through again. Friends- well, one particular, memorable, artsy-brilliant friend- suggested I keep a blog. I guess somewhere along the line I made the same promise to myself.

All the old stuff on this account is set on private, but I might read back and unleash some to the public eye.

Here's to seeing where this goes.

I mean, this was the kind of voice I insisted I imitate back in my seventeenth/eighteenth year: "Y hallo dar".


If it turns out I've become less of a concentrated personality than I was back then, my past self will end up being a bad influence on my present. Then again, I'm not surprised.
Current Location: Dorm Room 5
estheriac skyrose
13 December 2012 @ 02:56 am


What else is there to say... I haven't been around, yesterday was triple-12 day and it was pretty much unremarkable on the outset but not in my mind, we're watching tons of anime, I'm taking up a lot of projects and open-loop stuff that I still have to process and get into order, hence this organizer system thingamajig I'm supposed to be working on right now offline.

My head. Is full. And is still filling.

These days are steadily cramping up, and if I don't do something I'm going to spiral out of control. So sadly, there won't be too much of a celebration today. I won't be able to stand it, and I'll do something, of course. Probably get disappointed, but who knows. I tend to expect too much.

December 13 for the past two years meant only two things: Mello's birthday, and exams. Usually Entrepreneurship exams, and man, was that one hell of a mood-damper. But it gave me something to fight through, made the day more memorable. So it's kind of sad that now I'm out of school and supposedly with more time on my hands than I'll probably ever get, I'm still not going to be able to 'go all out', or whatever. In fact, I'm pretty much clueless.

I don't do birthdays well. Not even mine. Especially not mine.

Guess I'll think of something by way of celebration. Yeah, I'm geeky and actually want to celebrate favorite anime character's birthdays, so sue me and screw you.

Uploading a bunch of Mello icons, just because. Man, I really need to sort myself out. *foreheadkeyboardmentally*

Anyway, it's 2 in the morning, and instead of trying to sleep, I'm going to attempt to work on what I call my 'Getasys', or Get-a-system-- the organizer thingamajig I told you about which is now residing in a Scrivener project, in sore need of much tweaking in order to be effective. Best take advantage of this stretch of night where everyone's asleep and it's all quiet so I don't get *too distracted* and actually focus on one thing at a time.

I have a feeling I'm not being very successful in self-regulation. ):

By the way, I found (via Stumbleupon) this awesome online jigsaw puzzle site called Jigidi. I'd recommend it for puzzle-lovers. :) I'm on there as skyrosiac, with one puzzle already up. It's seriously cool.

And I'm about to dabble again, so it's best I wrap this up and get going. Trying to get this stuff out of the way so I can concentrate instead of clicking around online every five minutes because I left open loops. If it comes down to it, I'm going to have to employ SelfRestraint. : /

Can't really remember if there was anything else I wanted to say...

So, tchuss~

Peace, love and batman. :)

p/s. If I'm not mistaken, this is my 121st entry. Everything is 12, mun, it's almost scary.

They warned you of me

Current Music: chase coy
estheriac skyrose
05 December 2012 @ 01:12 am
My family... is such a source of constant entertainment and headaches. At the moment, my elder brother is ranting about hipsters and the prophesied war between the Philippines and China which he wants to lead. Yeah, he's... he's my brother. XD

Apparently he's also teaching my youngest brother to pronounce 'L'. My three youngest siblings grew up with speech impediments, pronouncing L as Y and R as W. Observe- "The Yord of the Wings."

(...that is so totally going to this entry's title.)

Lately, also. Dirty jokes. Taught to the youngest two brothers. They're the only other male sibs so I'd hate to get in between all this bonding- and such bonding I have never seen in the family yet!- but, c'mon. I tutor the youngest, Samsy. I don't want him talking about 'tits in the cold'. D:

So anyway, I'm facing some *relatively significant* changes. Considering installing Linux aside/instead of Windows. Been reading stuff of esr at catb, and I'm really having second thoughts. At the same time, my family is already inconvenienced enough with my Colemak antics (for some reason I keep forgetting to disable it when I know they'll be using the computer soon, and I don't put a timer on for a period of inactivity 'cause I tend to stop typing for long stretches of reading, and that'd be annoying- and then there's that whole remapping-to-Colemak fiasco....) and to find the entire operating systems changed for the sake of my changing interests and prefs- even with this being technically my computer- will be the sort of thing they might take as a last straw.


Like, "Why are you doing stuff like this? D: Can't you just obsess over celebrities like your sistersss?"

Okay, that last bit is unlikely to be said, but I guess we're all annoying in some ways.

So. Linux? I'm thinking Ubuntu, but I still have stuff to read up on before I go ahead with it. This isn't just some program. It's a whole operating system. I must... be reasonable.

...On another note, What is the Name of this Book? by Raymond Smullyan. :3

estheriac skyrose
03 December 2012 @ 04:16 pm

How strange is it that I enjoy reading through the debating comments at the end of a hacking article than the article itself. For the most part, I'm just intrigued, but I'm not sure I'll actually ever want to expend the time and effort to learn much to be in any way a functional hacker. It's just such an interesting concept, the whole thing.

Script kiddies are the Baby Bats of the hacking world, is what I gather.

This is pretty overwhelming, though, and I haven't even begun to get into anything. From the surface-- I suppose it's all the way through as well-- IT'S A WHOLE OTHER LANGUAGE.

I'm starting to think I don't have the necessary patience to learn any language these days. It's just... all over the place. Maybe if my brain starts leaking, but the house is already falling apa-art.

What's pretty frustrating is that there are sites out there that say they're the starting point, but then they tell you to go and learn something else first before they will begin to make sense to you. They start out promising, peter out into jargon. It's like name-dropping, but of a very very geeky kind. It's so cooool. XD

I don't even have a reason besides good old-fashioned, don't-take-no-for-an-answer Curiosity, to even try.

(lol lol sister got caught in class role-playing instead of paying attention. X)

"I think the key to the ultimate hacking site is sorting out all the good stuff from each of these sites. : /"- Viralnexxus over at http://www.makeuseof.com/tag/top-5-websites-to-learn-how-to-hack-like-a-pro/

Everything just leads to something else, and in the end I keep spiralling and spiralling. Where do we really start?

"As has been said many times before, "you hack to learn - you don't 'learn to hack'." - Numbskull, ditto

I am seeing much similarities in individual 'subcultures'. Misguided noobs in the Goff scene are Mall Goths? The hacker equivalent seems to be 'cracker' or 'script kiddie'. I did not know any of these terms before, mun. Goshes.

"the way humans (especially engineer-humans) perceive beauty is intimately related to our ability to process and understand complexity. A language that makes it hard to write elegant code makes it hard to write good code." - Eric Raymond, at http://www.linuxjournal.com/article/3882

This term: pons asinorum. This term, exACTly.


I am starting to think I have a possible strain of computer hacking in me. Possibly. Very, very possibly. An indication is the curiosity and interest in the first place; and how, in learning C++ and HTML in high school, was terribly fascinated all throughout the two years we learnt it, and yet... I don't know enough. I felt like I wasn't getting enough, barely scratching surfaces. I need to know enough. I need a starting point.

I guess... I'm just geeky.

Current Location: am i anywhere else?
Current Mood: confusedconfused
Current Music: Indiana Sun - Chase Coy
estheriac skyrose
30 November 2012 @ 11:35 pm
Winner badge 180x180
82,201 words written and validated.
30 chapters in 30 days.
"your story matters", no one i know cares.
magic's gone a bit, i killed a favorite character, i'm still at a loss for words.
and i have nothing more to say.

Current Mood: accomplished
Current Music: Closer - Chase Coy
estheriac skyrose
07 November 2012 @ 02:14 am
NaNoWriMo resources.

I love Scrivener, I really do. But for the sake of the experience, I'm trying out other stuff that goes with writing and might help. Like FocusWriter. And Google Drive alongside Dropbox. And Yarny...and suchforth. :)

I dunno, I feel really up for anything right now.


(OmmWriter and Tinderbox and Twig are only for Mac users, though, aww.)

edit: http://nanotoons.files.wordpress.com/2012/11/20121105-191850.jpg
i'm so lovin' this Ed character, lol. and how adorable is Fran?

estheriac skyrose
02 November 2012 @ 09:51 am
also, it is day 2 of NaNoWriMo '12 and i haven't even begun to get ready for it. took the first day off unexpectedly to finish off the ending of my first novel, which took longer than i thought, and i'm still recovering.

but i have to move soon. i have no words for anything, feels like i've used them up in the dash to the end, but i caaaaan't stooooop.

i find it strange that after i've been watching anime, i feel movements differently. like walking and opening doors and such. it's like i've temporarily altered my perception of the world and how human beings interact with it.

got a load of new anime from the Owl so that's how i've been procrastinating. seen the first episode of Mirai Nikki (Future Diary) and of DURARARA!!, and have spent most of the morning so far watching the first six episodes of this creepy horror one called Another. it's 2012-released, so that's recent. three bloody deaths so far, and one non-bloody death besides, and the first and fourth ones were positively horrific. not for the frail of heart, this show. also not for the people who should be working on other things. like me.

(owing to my slightly obsessive nature, i would still be watching it right now if i hadn't gotten annoyed by the glitch that prevents the subtitles from showing up in the middle of dialogue.)

man, though, i'm kind of disappointed in my novel. the one i just finished. it doesn't... feel finished. and now that it's NaNoWriMo, i don't have any more time to try and end it properly. so this idea came to me... a 'what if' scenario: i use this month not to write the sequel but the second version of the first novel. so far i have two versions of the novel in my head, and in the writing of the first, i found a third. and MAN i am frustrated. but in an empty, listless kind of way.

don't want to go to youth tonight. cultural night, so they tell me; we have to show up wearing our country's national costume and maybe a flag or something from the place, maybe even bring a delicacy that is that nation's specialty. and i'm not up for it. skipped it last year, and i don't have much interest this year either. it feels... pretty ridiculous though. i mean, i know the place and the people tend to disappoint, but i have no excuses but the one card i've been playing the last four months: "i'm writing".

and i really should be. and i AM... just that i'm off to a late start. it's a bit worn thin, i'm starting to question the support i should be getting for 'following my dream', doing something about my passion. sometimes i feel like they don't take me seriously, and that i don't either, that i'd just drop everything when they go, "mmmm, yeah, i think you've been wasting your time." sometimes i feel like i am only semi-consciously isolating myself from the rest of the world.

feel odd. kind of drained. there's no more enthusiasm left. it's like everything built up to a fizz-out. i thought that when i was finally finally DONE with that story i'd be all over the place in sheer chaotic glee. but i'm not. it doesn't feel like i've ended it 'cause i got no real closure. i thought i just needed to take some time off and 'recover', but that's not working out for me so far. maybe i need more time, but i don't feel like i HAVE any more time. unlike this pseudo-NaNo fiasco, i can't give myself any time allowances like i'm still contemplating doing.

i just can't let it go, can i?

why am i here, anyway? i have no real reason to be here. i could have written this in my offline journal.

heh. i remember this mood. this was the same sort that put me off action for maybe a couple of weeks before i somehow managed to get *painfully* back into the groove of things. don't want to ever have to do that again.

going to try and use this negativity to fuel me on towards positive action. feel a little incapable of making good decisions right now, but that could be mainly because i didn't sleep again.

i'll try transcribing a bit, see if i can find some sort of closure for my novel while simultaneously working on the next one. this is going to be... some month. although i'll tell you now, feels like i've missed the Big Bang. feels like... i'm only distracting myself from what's really bothering me.

for no reason at all-- or for a veiled reason-- i'll try and update maybe twice a week about my progress so far. count this as square one, level zero, contemplating action.

i've been waiting a while for this, so-- let's freaking GO ALREADY.

Current Mood: draineddrained
estheriac skyrose
30 October 2012 @ 05:17 am
even google isn't giving me anything. what on earth did my brother search? more importantly, what is he reading?

i am all but two major scenes to go until the final scene of my novel. which i think will take all of the next two days. and when that's over with, NaNoWriMo '12 will have officially started and i get to work on the sequel. it's going to be a long month, but i don't think i would have chosen to spend it any other way.

joined Chess.com, and found out that my sister Jay's on there too. before me. whut.

whoa. so Take Me Home Tonight was sung by Eddie Money as the ORIGINAL singer, ft Ronnie Spector. but Jamestown Story really did sing it, too, with Breanne Duren as a COVER. yikes. didn't know that. like the cover so much better. and i wondered why the tabs for it didn't sound quite right...

i feel kind of stressed, don't know what it is, really. i guess it's the fact that the novel is going to end, or the fact that it's not ending FAST ENOUGH. but something to do with the novel anyway.

perhaps something about the Owl not leaving the nest.

these headphones are not loud enough to drown out the guitars and the pianos and all their voices--

whoa. i mean... whoa. Jamestown Story's Goodbye, I'm Sorry? didn't sound like them? NOT ORIGINAL. gads, people, label correctly! D: original? way better: http://www.jamestownstory.com/

...although since that said '2011 version', maybe... nah. the other version didn't sound like this guy at all. style's too different. how could grooveshark have nothing of this band? they have a beautiful acoustic. aaand wikipedia labels them acoustic indie. uh oh. sounds like my sister's turf, haha.

aw, it doesn't have the suicide hotline note in the middle. wonder if that version in grooveshark is a cover, but of whom? it's so ridiculously EMO, think you not?

lol, i forgot i had this open. closed everything and went to mucking around the piano and stuff, until i decided to look for more music.


now that i think about it, i guess they could have sung that other version. entirely possible, 8 years between 2011 and 2003. i've completely fallen in love with their song In Loving Memory, spent ages on Virtual DJ trying to make it seem more like my character's voice 'cause i'm totally dedicating this song to my story. or rather a character in my story. he doesn't DIE, but it still matches oh so well.

and now i sit here among tangled wires trying to find the tabs for this song and any kind of cover that would do better on VDJ, 'cause really, the intonation on that one was a bit dodgy. ): IT'S A BEAUTIFUL SONG, K, i just kinda ruined it a bit. XD so that's how i found the acoustic version and realized it's totally believable they'd be the same people who sang that other version of Goodbye.

ooh. the hell is soundcloud? looks interesting.


this guy sucks, though, haha.


their instrumentals wasn't bad. then it just fails. funny.

*sigh* the crap we go through just to get a free download. :/

anyway. feels like i'm going to be listening to this song an inordinate amount for the next few days.

but so, should i be worried? for some reason, even with-- YES I'll SAY IT AGAIN, WE HAS WiFi-- i'm not really doing much besides trying to keep myself entertained. despite having so much more opportunities opened to me, i'm not progressing much. just... up with the clutter, and the stress, and the paranoia, and the distractions. it's not supposed to be like this...

i like this site, though: http://www.itemvn.com/


i finally have a good Jamestown Juvie cover! awww; i'd be listening to it right now if my ears didn't hurt from wearing those headphones for maybe three straight hours now. i'll tell you now, it's so Jan Winters. ;.;

man. WHAT am i supposed to be doing again...?

you know how, before WiFi, i'd rush with the fear that credit would run out? well, it's not any better, because what i do feel i'm losing is not as easily replaced, or is possible to, even. i feel like... i'm using up time.

poor JOLLY, though. they're right in the path of hurricane Sandy; the water is like 20 feet from their studio, their fb status said. who is naming these disasters, anyway?

blah. so i suppose Ally is now notified of my occasional log-ins because i couldn't help but like the new anime profile pic he put up; the color scheme is just love:

he stopped talking when i told him i wouldn't be around as much, and i wonder if this will change anything. hope i don't disappoint anyone again. i hate it when people ignore me, but i hate it even more when they're too clingy.

anyway. shouldn't be here. should be writing. if i must stay up all night again messing up my clock like this i might as well be doing something worthwhile. it'll be absurd not to.

Current Location: hallway of signal
Current Music: jamestown story - in loving memory
estheriac skyrose
22 October 2012 @ 12:03 am
title is brother's quote in reaction to Faun's Satyros.

he's right. it is beautiful.

for other songs like Alasdair Fraser's Compliments to Lorna Mitchell, he goes "let's climb a mountain", or "let's get a pet eagle" for Melissa Etheridge's Feels Like Home. he's like that. just now, he suggested i look for Russian choir music; apparently, it gives you the feel of bombing a place, but not evilly. more... patriotism, i guess. his mind, haha.

anyway, Faun?

German darkwave, folk, medieval. finally something that sounds absolutely captivating. i'm a little disappointed because maybe i won't be able to ease into the Goff scene 'proper' like i thought i would a year ago. it's so high maintenance, so exclusive, so... acquired taste. no wonder Hannah M, who was so into emo those same two years ago as we were, disclaims it all and just goes with scene hXc. so much easier to be with the mainstreamers. i'm so confused. my sister wears the same all-black ensemble every week to youth these days, and listens to Selena Gomez.

i have to play these songs on speakers because that selfsame sister lent me her earphones and then took them back later. i've recorded like... two songs in the past hour i've been looking for music, both Faun.

man, a lot of these sound like 80's music. and i think there is a perrreetty good reason why that is.

this is... going to take some time. >.>

you know, i think it's safe to say Selena Gomez works better with speakers than some of this stuff. <.<  >.> i do not need a lecture on Satanism from father dear right now.

c'mon, grooveshark, work. fire it up already.

aw. it's stuck in loading. to kill time: http://nishi.livejournal.com/?skip=20

play already. please.

mygah, everything is going extra slow... DX


great. so i've decided no music for tonight. everything's going too slow, just stops in the middle of a song. there's nothing worse than discontinuity. 

aaand now it's midnight. it's the next day and i accomplished nothing. nada. again.

i'm getting tired of this, like you have no idea.

Current Music: various from http://ultimategothguide.blogspot.com/p/great-big-list-of-goth-bands.html